My choice to Live:

I'm so glad I made it through junior high... there was a time when I didn't think I would.

During the day I tried to be like any regular junior high school student, but at night I couldn’t avoid what was going on inside my head; I found myself dealing with a very sincere fear of death. I'm not certain why, but for some reason i was aware of the fact that I had no control over when or how I died, and that [almost literally] scared me to death. Funny enough, I thought life (and death) would be better if I was in control. I guess I still had to learn some humility. Luckily, this was going to be the first of many opportunities for me to see that my life is better in someone else’s hands than my own.

So instead of falling asleep, I cried. A lot, and loudly…. On purpose too… hoping that someone would come to me, saying exactly what I wanted to hear; 100% assurance that everything was going to be okay. My parents were amazing. They did come, and they said what they could, but for some reason it was never enough. Only God knows how many nights this ritual went on, finally one night I realized all this emotional drama was not taking me to where I wanted to be and there was no use in it going on forever. I'm pretty sure there was a moment where I imagined "just getting it over with." Though I don't remember the rest of the details, I do know how it ended.

I saw something, without actually seeing it. A dark cloud hanging, just under my ceiling, that opened to show two faces looking down at me telling me it was time to choose between the two of them. I remembered the things I had been taught in Sunday school... that God brought me into existence, and that He is good. I figured if He gave me my life then why should I expect Him to take it away in some harsh, terrible, premature way. I could either trust His good intentions and accept that if something senseless happens, it won't be senseless to Him... OR take things into my own hands and finish it off with the method of my choice.

In order to get on with my life I had to trust that God is good, that His intentions are good, and that He has power to affect our lives on earth. (Even if He's not the only powerful force on earth, at least He's got the victory when it counts.) I'm so glad I figured that out, I've been able to do more and love more than I ever dreamed of with Him as the leader in my life.