Cancer happens way too often. Thinking about it’s power always made my stomach sink ever since I was young. When it arrived in my family, it was unwelcome as it always is.
My Dad was diagnosed with the version I feared most, pancreatic. It’s still unacceptable news, and with the thought of acceptance, comes anger. But he fought it well with my Mom's support, and I know despite his death, there is much to be thankful for. Death and sickness have a terrible power, but we weren't abandoned. It was easy to feel like Dad couldn't hear us through his heavy medication, but he proved his awareness when he mustered the strength to say "I love you" as my nieces kissed him good bye one day when they left the hospice center.
Of course part of me wanted to hear those words directed toward me one more time too, but I had the pleasure of hearing them for 36 years! His love for his granddaughters, highlighted his love for me, it didn't diminish it. It’s humbling how absurd selfishness can be.
Still all those years of memories seem over-shadowed by the single year he was sick. Now when I wish I had done more for my dad, I remember that soon after his diagnosis he said “don’t guilt yourself” (in anticipation of this exact problem).
He was a wise man. And also funny. There were times as a young family we sat around the dinner table and laughed so hard my stomach hurt. But he wasn’t prefect either. I also remember him apologizing to us kids and admitting his short comings. I don’t remember what we laughed about or what he apologized for, but the essential parts are still clear. I love and admire my dad.
This Easter seemed like a good time to sit near a tomb with my grief. After all, the resurrection was first witnessed by grieving women. I grieved the fact that I prayed for a big miracle, and only got little ones instead. But the little miracles were plentiful. Bitterness toward God, for not answering my one prayer, could have made me miss out on all the other ways He was saying “I’m still here”. And I could have forgotten that the greatest miracle, Easter, already took care of my greatest fear, death.
Perhaps my father’s example made it easy for me to believe in a God that is good. But God is not limited by earthly fathers. The limitless Creator can show you too, in your own way, how He is good.
Christ on the cross yelled out “Father, why have you forsaken me!?!”, but not too long after, resolution came when He said “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” (Luke 23:46)
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
Love and loss
Sunday, December 26, 2010
ARTURO POPPED THE QUESTION!
The scene, and the clueless theme -
It was Friday the 13th, August 2010, and Paul Rudd was filming a movie right outside my office window. I first saw his adorable smile in the film Clueless and have had a crush on him ever since. While some stargazers may have been disappointed that he was sporting a beard, I was daydreaming of a photo opt with Paul standing on side of me, and my favorite bearded beau, Arturo, standing on the other.
The workday ended at 6pm. I ran out the door to meet Arturo, who supposedly had been kayaking with a buddy on the Hudson. He told me earlier to not rush; the tides were slowing him down, but when I called to get our meeting location he wasn't answering his phone. I knew he wanted to show me the northern section of river that is lined with trees, and that a Fairway grocery store was in the area (because he offered to pick-up some dinner there). I almost began to head in the wrong direction, but Arturo called back just in the nick of time!
Everything seemed routine. The first time we went kayaking after work, a year earlier, the novelty struck me as romantic, and I thought he might be proposing then. However the most unexpected thing I did that evening was hide under an old steel pier to pee into the Hudson. Needless to say, I wasn’t expecting anything romantic this time and I had already assumed he would use his upcoming vacation to get a ring.
When I finally met him at the river he was lounging in his kayak with both feet airing out to dry. Once I got in my boat I tried the same lounging position with one foot out, but I didn’t find it comfortable; later I found out that Arturo wasn’t comfortable either.
I suggested we paddle down to the little red light house and get pictures to show my mom. The Little Red Light House under the George Washington Bridge has become famous because of a children’s book written about it, and my mom reads books to her 2nd grade classroom, so I figured she had heard about it too. I did not realize at the time that I was playing right into Arturo’s secret plan. Just off the coast near the lighthouse was a rock, just big enough to create a small “island” for two people and their boats. So Arturo suggested we land on the rock and enjoy some dinner.
As he was pulling himself out of his boat his cell phone fell into the river! He was able to grab it out of the water but it got really wet. Later, when he was mumbling strange things (attempting to create a romantic mood) I simply thought he was feeling flustered from dropping his phone. (It was also our only camera for the event.)
Unveiled clues, and still clueless -
I was completely unaware of what was really going on. He pulled out a picnic basket from the boat and had me smell the dried flowers and herbs inside. He simply said he went crazy at the grocery store, and I believed him. In reality he had a professional chef create the goodies. Then he pulled out a bottle of wine and two REAL glass wine glasses. That was the first time I got suspicious but then my doubtful self simply disregarded it as one of several romantic things he would do this week to keep me “on my toes.” (His thoughts seemed too disjointed for it to be the real thing, now I see that should have been my first clue!) If I had known he was paddling with his legs out of the boat because the picnic basket took up all his legroom, I probably would have clued into it much faster!
Arturo’s strange behavior continued when he poured the wine. Some cork got into the first glass so he claimed it as his. I held his glass while he poured the second glass. Then completely forgetting to trade glasses, he said a quick toast and drank the wine that was still in his hand. When he went to refill my glass he noticed I had hardly drunk any and asked what was wrong, so I quietly reminded him of the cork in the wine and we traded.
He went back to mumbling goofy things about how our names are similar to Arthur and Guinevere and asked me if I like West Side Story. My disinterested mind remembered the food in the basket, so I explained that I wanted to start with eating a banana. He recommended we pray first and I agreed. After the prayer I noticed him fishing around in his bag. My eyes began to spy his hand as I watched him pull out a carabineer with a two-inch wide piece of copper wrapped around it. Then referencing the George Washington Bridge he said, “well, I’m no king, that’s no castle and it’s no oil refinery either, but I’d be honored if you would be my wife.” I hardly heard the wife part because in my head I was thinking, “that copper thing is the ring, I won’t be able to bend my finger in it“ and “he’s already used the oil refinery line before; it was smoother the first time”. (Read “Falling for Arturo”)
I was pretty confused; I knew that he had been working on getting the “perfect” ring for a while, and I also knew that he didn’t believe in “joke proposals”. Unfortunately my mind was so behind reality, the only words I could utter were: “Seriously?” “Are you joking?” Next thing I realized he was staring up at me, on his knee, waiting for an answer and near my finger was a uniquely sculpted ring with a beautiful blue stone. Finally I said, “Yes, of course”.
The moment was simple and quiet; the background music normally heard in the movies wasn’t there, but when he started to explain that he made the ring in his apartment with his own hands, my skin started to tingle. He called it the “Yoh Ring” since I will be taking his name and a Y is represented in the shape, then my eyes started to water a bit. My elation finally caught up to reality when he suggested we drive around to celebrate with friends and family. I asked if we were going to Ohio then jumped up and hugged him as I watched him smile and say yes.
With the sun closing down on the horizon we ate a few bites of the picnic. Then we paddled back in the dark to our “put-in” spot. A friendly stranger from the nearby kayak club blessed us unexpectedly by letting us use their dock and kept it open late as we packed-up our equipment.
Secrets unfolded -
Arturo rented a blue Mini Cooper convertible for the night-drive through Manhattan. By midnight we arrived at his parent’s house, and woke them up to share the surprise. Then we finished the bottle of wine with two friends who had also recently gotten engaged.
Saturday Arturo was finally able relax and enjoy the relief of not needing to keep any more secrets. It had been at least a month since I had visited his apartment. He used countless excuses to keep me away, and I found most of them completely believable. Later, when I got suspicious, I imagined he was building me a table. I had no idea he was actually forging a ring!
When I called my parents to share the news I also told them we'd be stopping by the next day. My parents were excited and proud that they kept a secret for an entire year! Arturo had asked for their blessing when I was in the middle of an ice-cream run during a wedding we were attending in Iowa in August 2009. I had no idea at the time, but I should have suspected something because we left that wedding with both the tossed bouquet and garter!
Getting out of the city with our last-minute car rental was unbelievably difficult, but it was completely worth it once we arrived. We had dinner and a slumber party with my parents and brother’s family in Columbus. My niece Madison had grown fast over the last four months so we also enjoyed our playtime with her!
Monday was spent in Brickerville, visiting Grandpa and the rest of the family. There are a lot of creative hands in the family, so they enjoyed hearing how Arturo sculpted the ring. Then my aunt and uncle from Indiana drove in a day early for their already planned visit to meet Madison, and met Arturo too!
Now that we’re back in our routine, it’s nice to remember how this special time was shared with many people, across many miles. Thanks for reading and sharing in our joy too; we hope you feel encouraged and blessed by it.
It was Friday the 13th, August 2010, and Paul Rudd was filming a movie right outside my office window. I first saw his adorable smile in the film Clueless and have had a crush on him ever since. While some stargazers may have been disappointed that he was sporting a beard, I was daydreaming of a photo opt with Paul standing on side of me, and my favorite bearded beau, Arturo, standing on the other.
The workday ended at 6pm. I ran out the door to meet Arturo, who supposedly had been kayaking with a buddy on the Hudson. He told me earlier to not rush; the tides were slowing him down, but when I called to get our meeting location he wasn't answering his phone. I knew he wanted to show me the northern section of river that is lined with trees, and that a Fairway grocery store was in the area (because he offered to pick-up some dinner there). I almost began to head in the wrong direction, but Arturo called back just in the nick of time!
Everything seemed routine. The first time we went kayaking after work, a year earlier, the novelty struck me as romantic, and I thought he might be proposing then. However the most unexpected thing I did that evening was hide under an old steel pier to pee into the Hudson. Needless to say, I wasn’t expecting anything romantic this time and I had already assumed he would use his upcoming vacation to get a ring.
When I finally met him at the river he was lounging in his kayak with both feet airing out to dry. Once I got in my boat I tried the same lounging position with one foot out, but I didn’t find it comfortable; later I found out that Arturo wasn’t comfortable either.
I suggested we paddle down to the little red light house and get pictures to show my mom. The Little Red Light House under the George Washington Bridge has become famous because of a children’s book written about it, and my mom reads books to her 2nd grade classroom, so I figured she had heard about it too. I did not realize at the time that I was playing right into Arturo’s secret plan. Just off the coast near the lighthouse was a rock, just big enough to create a small “island” for two people and their boats. So Arturo suggested we land on the rock and enjoy some dinner.
As he was pulling himself out of his boat his cell phone fell into the river! He was able to grab it out of the water but it got really wet. Later, when he was mumbling strange things (attempting to create a romantic mood) I simply thought he was feeling flustered from dropping his phone. (It was also our only camera for the event.)
Unveiled clues, and still clueless -
I was completely unaware of what was really going on. He pulled out a picnic basket from the boat and had me smell the dried flowers and herbs inside. He simply said he went crazy at the grocery store, and I believed him. In reality he had a professional chef create the goodies. Then he pulled out a bottle of wine and two REAL glass wine glasses. That was the first time I got suspicious but then my doubtful self simply disregarded it as one of several romantic things he would do this week to keep me “on my toes.” (His thoughts seemed too disjointed for it to be the real thing, now I see that should have been my first clue!) If I had known he was paddling with his legs out of the boat because the picnic basket took up all his legroom, I probably would have clued into it much faster!
Arturo’s strange behavior continued when he poured the wine. Some cork got into the first glass so he claimed it as his. I held his glass while he poured the second glass. Then completely forgetting to trade glasses, he said a quick toast and drank the wine that was still in his hand. When he went to refill my glass he noticed I had hardly drunk any and asked what was wrong, so I quietly reminded him of the cork in the wine and we traded.
He went back to mumbling goofy things about how our names are similar to Arthur and Guinevere and asked me if I like West Side Story. My disinterested mind remembered the food in the basket, so I explained that I wanted to start with eating a banana. He recommended we pray first and I agreed. After the prayer I noticed him fishing around in his bag. My eyes began to spy his hand as I watched him pull out a carabineer with a two-inch wide piece of copper wrapped around it. Then referencing the George Washington Bridge he said, “well, I’m no king, that’s no castle and it’s no oil refinery either, but I’d be honored if you would be my wife.” I hardly heard the wife part because in my head I was thinking, “that copper thing is the ring, I won’t be able to bend my finger in it“ and “he’s already used the oil refinery line before; it was smoother the first time”. (Read “Falling for Arturo”)
I was pretty confused; I knew that he had been working on getting the “perfect” ring for a while, and I also knew that he didn’t believe in “joke proposals”. Unfortunately my mind was so behind reality, the only words I could utter were: “Seriously?” “Are you joking?” Next thing I realized he was staring up at me, on his knee, waiting for an answer and near my finger was a uniquely sculpted ring with a beautiful blue stone. Finally I said, “Yes, of course”.
The moment was simple and quiet; the background music normally heard in the movies wasn’t there, but when he started to explain that he made the ring in his apartment with his own hands, my skin started to tingle. He called it the “Yoh Ring” since I will be taking his name and a Y is represented in the shape, then my eyes started to water a bit. My elation finally caught up to reality when he suggested we drive around to celebrate with friends and family. I asked if we were going to Ohio then jumped up and hugged him as I watched him smile and say yes.
With the sun closing down on the horizon we ate a few bites of the picnic. Then we paddled back in the dark to our “put-in” spot. A friendly stranger from the nearby kayak club blessed us unexpectedly by letting us use their dock and kept it open late as we packed-up our equipment.
Secrets unfolded -
Arturo rented a blue Mini Cooper convertible for the night-drive through Manhattan. By midnight we arrived at his parent’s house, and woke them up to share the surprise. Then we finished the bottle of wine with two friends who had also recently gotten engaged.
Saturday Arturo was finally able relax and enjoy the relief of not needing to keep any more secrets. It had been at least a month since I had visited his apartment. He used countless excuses to keep me away, and I found most of them completely believable. Later, when I got suspicious, I imagined he was building me a table. I had no idea he was actually forging a ring!
When I called my parents to share the news I also told them we'd be stopping by the next day. My parents were excited and proud that they kept a secret for an entire year! Arturo had asked for their blessing when I was in the middle of an ice-cream run during a wedding we were attending in Iowa in August 2009. I had no idea at the time, but I should have suspected something because we left that wedding with both the tossed bouquet and garter!
Getting out of the city with our last-minute car rental was unbelievably difficult, but it was completely worth it once we arrived. We had dinner and a slumber party with my parents and brother’s family in Columbus. My niece Madison had grown fast over the last four months so we also enjoyed our playtime with her!
Monday was spent in Brickerville, visiting Grandpa and the rest of the family. There are a lot of creative hands in the family, so they enjoyed hearing how Arturo sculpted the ring. Then my aunt and uncle from Indiana drove in a day early for their already planned visit to meet Madison, and met Arturo too!
Now that we’re back in our routine, it’s nice to remember how this special time was shared with many people, across many miles. Thanks for reading and sharing in our joy too; we hope you feel encouraged and blessed by it.
For WEDDING details go to www.arturo-jen.us
Monday, October 11, 2010
FALLING FOR ARTURO -
Seeing -
I arrived at a friend’s going away party with anticipation of seeing my newfound crush. The room was packed, so I scanned the crowd for any Havenites he might be with. Though I did not remember seeing a Jesus-looking guy at the Haven, I somehow knew the enthusiastic guy chatting in the far corner was part of the Haven crew. Unfortunately, since my crush wasn’t in that corner, I never made my way across the room and missed my first chance to meet Arturo.
I said a little prayer asking for opportunities to get to know my crush, it was answered so much I became nervous he might think I was stalking him. A few months passed while I took everything in stride and tried to stay open to other possible romances too. One night at the Haven, Arturo filled in for the usual discussion group leader. He had us each share our names with a story of a recent splurge. When Arturo spoke about a coat he purchased because it would be more appropriate for the NYC dating scene I imagined how nice it would be to have dinner and conversation with him. I liked his accent and I could tell he knew how to handle a date. However my daydream was quickly dismissed as I told myself “this guy is shorter then you, he will never ask you out!”
Speaking -
Several months later (April 2008) another party invitation came my way. I knew I should go, especially because my crush would probably be there too, so I talked my tired, home-body-self into going. Part of my intuition knew that this night could be life changing. After I had been at the party for a while, I realized I had been talking to my girl friends the whole time and there was no sign of my crush. I decided if I was going to meet any men I would have to go talk to some guys. I wasn’t sure where to start but when I saw Arturo I jumped-up off the couch and began telling him about the conversation I had just finished with the girls about our need to go camping as a get-away from the city. (He was planing a hiking trip for the Haven, so it seemed like a very natural transition to me.) Arturo and I talked for bits at a time. By the end of the night he was definitely flirting with me but I wasn’t sure if he was actually interested in me or just caught up in the party spirit, so I decided I would give it time and see what happens.
Listening -
The next Haven meeting was a few days later and by that time I had observed my crush enough to realize that he didn’t like me and he was not the right type of guy for me either - I needed someone to balance out my indecisiveness. Somehow, Arturo “read” me well from the very beginning. During the party we had discussed going to a concert after tonight’s meeting but I knew I couldn’t be out late. So when the meeting ended, I dallied around talking to friends and declining their offers to hang out. Finally the lobby began to clear and Arturo and I were able to talk. He suggested we go out for a quick drink instead of going to the concert, and I was relieved. As we walked through the doors of the bar I couldn’t believe I had forgotten to get cash! I was turning around to go to an ATM when Arturo told me to not worry, he’d take care of it. His friend Randall joined us, so I still wasn’t sure what Arturo was thinking, but I enjoyed myself none-the-less. When it was time to leave, he offered to walk me to the D-train, which was a long walk (something I had never considered doing before, making it all the more enticing and romantic). As we parted ways on the train he said he was excited to get to know me and I finally let myself admit that he might actually be interested in me.
The next day I sent a text message saying thank you for the walk. He replied saying he would call on Wednesday and then he actually did! In the phone conversation he invited me to join him and his friends for lunch after church, so I thought it natural in invite myself to his church. (During our party conversation I had explained that I was “church shopping” and he had mentioned his interest in seeing what I might think of his church.) It was a bit awkward as he explained that everyone would assume we were dating, but in the end he decided if I was crazy enough to suggest it, why not?
Dating -
Sunday I met his parents, brother, and life-long friends. Old women rushed to give him excited hugs and wish him a happy birthday. I was shocked, not about the family or friends, but about the birthday! My anxiety grew as I hoped to hear that his birthday had passed, or at least wasn’t today. Fortunate enough, it was coming on Thursday. We spent the whole day together walking and driving around Brooklyn. (Yep, he's a real, certified NYC tour guide.) When it was over he suggested we go climbing in a gym sometime during the week. The best night for us to go was on Thursday, his birthday. I was concerned he might want to celebrate with family, but he admitted he’d rather celebrate with a beautiful girl. (I’m sure I blushed.)
After the next Haven meeting we went out with some friends for food. On our way home Arturo asked me to share something unique about myself, something that I love that most people don’t, so I told him about the beautiful oil refinery lights that line the roads near the Gulf of Mexico. Once seated on the train we spotted a poem hanging just above our heads. It was celebrating the perspectives a native New Yorker and a relocated resident bring to the city; the timing was uncanny.
Liking -
I had three days to figure out how I was going to handle his birthday. I enjoyed experimenting with chocolate/peanut butter cupcakes and going shopping for adult-size pixy sticks. On the big day we met on the corner of Central Park near a fountain and I handed him a greasy paper bag full of yummy goodness. After climbing at the gym I treated him to dinner at his favorite tap bar. Secretly, I had prepared to give Arturo a birthday kiss, but when he casually explained he wanted to take things slow I decided to let him choose when the timing was right.
The next Sunday was Mother’s day and I went to Arturo’s church again. I was feeling under the weather so I went home afterwards but Arturo showed up later with some chicken soup to help me feel better. For some reason he was inspired to give me a quick first kiss then. I was not feeling attractive at all, so I was very impressed and surprised by his spontaneous move.
Loving -
The next thing he did to blow me away took much more planning on his part. My Haven small group was running long and I could tell from the messages on my cell that he was getting impatient for me to get out. I was a bit taken back when I finally made it outside and didn’t see him waiting for me. I stood there waiting until he finally caught my attention; I looked up and saw him sitting in a red Mustang convertible! I ran over, still not sure what to think, and he told me to jump in. I ran back to my friends and hugged them goodbye before amusing his request to jump in the car - Dukes of Hazard style! After we drove around Manhattan and got a bite to eat, we headed home by going over the Manhattan Bridge. He stopped in the middle of the bridge and told me to turn around and look at the city. Then he said, “it’s not an oil refinery but it’s the best I could do” and my heart melted as I realized that my long wait for love was over and completely worth it.
I arrived at a friend’s going away party with anticipation of seeing my newfound crush. The room was packed, so I scanned the crowd for any Havenites he might be with. Though I did not remember seeing a Jesus-looking guy at the Haven, I somehow knew the enthusiastic guy chatting in the far corner was part of the Haven crew. Unfortunately, since my crush wasn’t in that corner, I never made my way across the room and missed my first chance to meet Arturo.
I said a little prayer asking for opportunities to get to know my crush, it was answered so much I became nervous he might think I was stalking him. A few months passed while I took everything in stride and tried to stay open to other possible romances too. One night at the Haven, Arturo filled in for the usual discussion group leader. He had us each share our names with a story of a recent splurge. When Arturo spoke about a coat he purchased because it would be more appropriate for the NYC dating scene I imagined how nice it would be to have dinner and conversation with him. I liked his accent and I could tell he knew how to handle a date. However my daydream was quickly dismissed as I told myself “this guy is shorter then you, he will never ask you out!”
Speaking -
Several months later (April 2008) another party invitation came my way. I knew I should go, especially because my crush would probably be there too, so I talked my tired, home-body-self into going. Part of my intuition knew that this night could be life changing. After I had been at the party for a while, I realized I had been talking to my girl friends the whole time and there was no sign of my crush. I decided if I was going to meet any men I would have to go talk to some guys. I wasn’t sure where to start but when I saw Arturo I jumped-up off the couch and began telling him about the conversation I had just finished with the girls about our need to go camping as a get-away from the city. (He was planing a hiking trip for the Haven, so it seemed like a very natural transition to me.) Arturo and I talked for bits at a time. By the end of the night he was definitely flirting with me but I wasn’t sure if he was actually interested in me or just caught up in the party spirit, so I decided I would give it time and see what happens.
Listening -
The next Haven meeting was a few days later and by that time I had observed my crush enough to realize that he didn’t like me and he was not the right type of guy for me either - I needed someone to balance out my indecisiveness. Somehow, Arturo “read” me well from the very beginning. During the party we had discussed going to a concert after tonight’s meeting but I knew I couldn’t be out late. So when the meeting ended, I dallied around talking to friends and declining their offers to hang out. Finally the lobby began to clear and Arturo and I were able to talk. He suggested we go out for a quick drink instead of going to the concert, and I was relieved. As we walked through the doors of the bar I couldn’t believe I had forgotten to get cash! I was turning around to go to an ATM when Arturo told me to not worry, he’d take care of it. His friend Randall joined us, so I still wasn’t sure what Arturo was thinking, but I enjoyed myself none-the-less. When it was time to leave, he offered to walk me to the D-train, which was a long walk (something I had never considered doing before, making it all the more enticing and romantic). As we parted ways on the train he said he was excited to get to know me and I finally let myself admit that he might actually be interested in me.
The next day I sent a text message saying thank you for the walk. He replied saying he would call on Wednesday and then he actually did! In the phone conversation he invited me to join him and his friends for lunch after church, so I thought it natural in invite myself to his church. (During our party conversation I had explained that I was “church shopping” and he had mentioned his interest in seeing what I might think of his church.) It was a bit awkward as he explained that everyone would assume we were dating, but in the end he decided if I was crazy enough to suggest it, why not?
Dating -
Sunday I met his parents, brother, and life-long friends. Old women rushed to give him excited hugs and wish him a happy birthday. I was shocked, not about the family or friends, but about the birthday! My anxiety grew as I hoped to hear that his birthday had passed, or at least wasn’t today. Fortunate enough, it was coming on Thursday. We spent the whole day together walking and driving around Brooklyn. (Yep, he's a real, certified NYC tour guide.) When it was over he suggested we go climbing in a gym sometime during the week. The best night for us to go was on Thursday, his birthday. I was concerned he might want to celebrate with family, but he admitted he’d rather celebrate with a beautiful girl. (I’m sure I blushed.)
After the next Haven meeting we went out with some friends for food. On our way home Arturo asked me to share something unique about myself, something that I love that most people don’t, so I told him about the beautiful oil refinery lights that line the roads near the Gulf of Mexico. Once seated on the train we spotted a poem hanging just above our heads. It was celebrating the perspectives a native New Yorker and a relocated resident bring to the city; the timing was uncanny.
Liking -
I had three days to figure out how I was going to handle his birthday. I enjoyed experimenting with chocolate/peanut butter cupcakes and going shopping for adult-size pixy sticks. On the big day we met on the corner of Central Park near a fountain and I handed him a greasy paper bag full of yummy goodness. After climbing at the gym I treated him to dinner at his favorite tap bar. Secretly, I had prepared to give Arturo a birthday kiss, but when he casually explained he wanted to take things slow I decided to let him choose when the timing was right.
The next Sunday was Mother’s day and I went to Arturo’s church again. I was feeling under the weather so I went home afterwards but Arturo showed up later with some chicken soup to help me feel better. For some reason he was inspired to give me a quick first kiss then. I was not feeling attractive at all, so I was very impressed and surprised by his spontaneous move.
Loving -
The next thing he did to blow me away took much more planning on his part. My Haven small group was running long and I could tell from the messages on my cell that he was getting impatient for me to get out. I was a bit taken back when I finally made it outside and didn’t see him waiting for me. I stood there waiting until he finally caught my attention; I looked up and saw him sitting in a red Mustang convertible! I ran over, still not sure what to think, and he told me to jump in. I ran back to my friends and hugged them goodbye before amusing his request to jump in the car - Dukes of Hazard style! After we drove around Manhattan and got a bite to eat, we headed home by going over the Manhattan Bridge. He stopped in the middle of the bridge and told me to turn around and look at the city. Then he said, “it’s not an oil refinery but it’s the best I could do” and my heart melted as I realized that my long wait for love was over and completely worth it.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
THE SINGLE LIFE - crazy things really do happen!
True Airport Dream -
I was stuck in the airport on my way back from my college roommate’s wedding and I could not have been happier. I had danced my heart out with my friends like we used to at our secret dorm room dance parties. We were so foolish I was almost concerned about what my parents were thinking. My toast was a hit and I treasured the intimacy of the three-woman bridal party.
When it came time to return to Houston my light heart could not be burdened by the flight delays. I sat at the gate with my book and stuffed my face with a salad while enjoying some people watching. Before I knew it a handsome young man walked up to the counter. I could tell he was cool as soon as I saw his hiking backpack stuffed to the brim. I instantly hoped he would sit by me, but then immediately locked my eyes on the food in my lap. With my peripheral vision I sensed him walking down the isle toward me. He walked across where I was sitting and sat just a few seats away. After a while, I needed to use the restroom, so I decided to ask him to watch my bags. When I returned I thanked him, and went back to reading the Da Vinci Code. There was a long silence as we both continued reading our books. Then he asked the favor in return. Finally he started a conversation by asking me if I liked what I was reading. After talking about the book and introducing our selves he admitted he was reading Pride and Prejudice. He defended himself by explaining that he was trying to catch up on the classics. I liked him. He was from Michigan and currently living in Houston too. Unfortunately, we started boarding the plane soon after, but at least continued talking until we parted to our assigned seats.
My roommate and her boyfriend were picking me up from the airport. When her boyfriend came in to pick me up and found me talking to the strapping young man at baggage claim, he gave me space to do my thing. But of course I didn’t really know what I was doing. We chatted until we walked out the door with luggage in hand and found our rides. I wanted to give him my number but I didn’t want to be too forward, so I rattled off two websites, the Ad Deum website and my church website so he could get more information about future dance performances and details on the upcoming Da Vinci Code book discussion my church was having.
The book discussion was a month later. I doubted he would show up, but of course I dreamt that he would and told my girlfriends about the exciting possibility. I arrived late to the discussion with two friends from the dance company. I took a quick glance around and decided he wasn’t there so I joined the potluck line. Then my stomach fell as I glanced up and caught him looking at me directly across the banquet table.
He invited my friends and I to sit with him at the same table. When it was over we found a quiet corner in the gymnasium where he suggested we exchange numbers and pick a time to get together. To seal the conversation he said, “it’s a date” which sounded sweet to my doubtful ears.
About a week later, he drove his motorcycle to the church parking lot where we met and he jumped in my car. Within the first five minutes he invited me to join him and his buddies the next time they went skydiving, but I avoided giving a serious answer. I probably would have jumped at the offer had I known the date was going to be so incredible. We ordered large messy burgers at the Hobbit Café. We stared at the intimidating meal, then he said “I won’t judge you if you don’t judge me.” Hearing that line made me like him even more and excited to dig into the meal! We followed that up with ice cream and a stroll around the nearby village. The evening ended with an amazing conversation outside on the patio of my favorite coffee shop.
Fireworks shot off on the next date, for the Fourth of July. We threw a blanket down at the park and made bets on where the fireworks were going to be shot from while the live orchestra played in the background. I was so thrilled to have an attractive man’s presence lean in my direction that I went home and re-enacted my favorite moment with my roommates.
Later he invited me over for a barbecue. We prepared our own beef patties and I enjoyed some subtly flirtatious moments, but the relationship started going down hill from there. I was insecure about my “dancer” feet so I wore socks outside on his patio. When he asked me why, I tossed out an excuse that I’m sure he saw right through. We kept our distance emotionally and physically. We never kissed or even hugged; I always waited for him to initiate something but he never did. We had a few more dates after that, but it was difficult to keep any sort of momentum going when he lived 45 minutes away and I was working 12 hour days, six days a week. The final call came while I was in the office - there was no better time to talk so I answered. He explained that it was time to stop his pursuit- it just wasn’t working. I agreed but was frustrated that my lifestyle made any romantic relationship nearly impossible.
First Love -
Airport boy had everything I thought I wanted at the time - he was perfectly tall, cute, and from the Midwest. I had one serious relationship prior; he’s called California boy here. California boy was incredible, but he was shorter than me. I never expected his height to be a problem because I was never attracted to taller guys before, but when he started talking about marriage I began to wonder what it might be like to date a guy who was a few inches taller.
California boy and I met on a spring-break mission trip to Israel. I was a junior in college. He was going to seminary in Boston, but grew up in California. We decided to be one of those goofy “kissed dating goodbye” couples, so we wouldn’t kiss until we got engaged, which added yet another strange aspect to our long-distance, but very serious relationship.
We were “just friends” for a while after the trip, but by the time school ended he jumped at the opportunity to visit Ohio and meet my family. Together we handled a lot of unexpected things, like my car hitting a runaway boat in the highway. But I never thought that introducing him to farm life at my great-uncle’s dairy farm would be just as eventful. We stood close to the cows to watch them get milked. Then, without warning, manure splashed all over our faces and shirts! It was a great time of laughter with my great uncle that I will never forget, and that’s saying a lot because almost all of my memories of my great uncle include him laughing.
I made a trip out to California a month or two later. California boy picked me up from the airport in an old fashioned white Volts Wagon Bug, just like Herby! Herby was cool but quirky! We had to push him in neutral to get him started, which made me mildly concerned when driving on the extra wide highways.
The most magical night happened when we went to the beach and were spellbound by the bio-luminescent tide. Glowing light, the color of lightning bugs, pulsed from the breaking waves and sand moving around my footsteps. He said I was lucky; some native Californians miss the spectacular event because it is so unpredictable.
Though I had always imagined myself single for a few years after college, I convinced myself that I would like to marry him; it seemed like he was waiting for me to agree. When I finally caught up to his level of intensity he ended the relationship a few days after my birthday. It was like climbing to the top of a roller-coaster and instead of getting a joyride the structure chose to disappear from underneath you.
I waited 21 years to be romanced and hadn’t been kissed. I wondered when and if it would come around again. I sat on my fire escape to hash things out with God. I let my fears and resentment fly out. Then something strange bounced back and land in my gut. It felt like an answer: five years.
Set-up This -
The five years passed with a few bittersweet events. During my tour with Ad Deum to Los Angeles, one of the girls set me up on a date with her brother. He reminded me of an advertisement I posted on my bedroom wall when I was in high school. During his earlier visit to Houston I thought I had watched him hit it off with one of the more beautiful girls from the company. So I was really excited later when his sister said he was actually interested in me. The date went well and I found him completely fascinating, but I didn’t let him pursue me because the situation didn’t make enough sense for anything real to develop.
Set-up That -
I had another friendship that made perfect sense on paper. At first I wasn’t attracted to him but with time the attraction grew. I started to imagine how easy the romance could be but our personalities didn’t mesh enough for anything more than friendship. Besides, I wanted to be honestly pursued by a man, and he just wasn’t doing that. I found myself reminiscing about California boy and decided that if I found a love like that again, I would not let a silly height difference concern me. After all, my insecurity wasn’t based on my taste; it was from worrying about what others might think.
Stand-in Kissing -
Finally, it was about time for me to get a kiss on the lips. I figured I deserved one simply because I was 26 years old. The only prior kiss I thought I had was a kindergarten smooch with the boy I imagined I'd grow-up to marry. It was in exchange for a coloring tip. I got the tip, but I’m not sure he took the kiss. Needless to say, when I met a tall man who looked like California boy I decided to take advantage of the opportunity. In the end, Look-alike guy was not a straight shooter and I felt silly for kissing a guy who never even became my boyfriend. The quasi relationship ended around my birthday too, therefore starting and ending exactly five years after the relationship with California boy.
When I finally moved away from Houston (where everyone was getting married except for me), I discovered that riggers fascinate me, and got my second kiss, but he didn’t become my boyfriend either! This time at least it wasn’t part of my expectation; I was just looking for a week of fun. Even with these low expectations, I was still disappointed when I realized he was looking for something I wouldn’t give him. Then one day, during a moment of channel surfing, I saw his face! I know it's silly, but I must admit, part of me is amused by the fact that I’ve kissed a T.V. star.
Runaway Boat -
My memories have certainly entertained me, but most single women out there know how the loneliness and frustration can sometimes become overwhelming. Friendship and laughter has been my favorite remedy. Many of these moments have been shared with my long-lost sister, Tracey. One summer, several years after college, we were visiting one another in Indiana. We sat by a stream discussing our theories on romance. We were both concerned about our incapability to identify and react appropriately to a potential romantic opportunity. We were afraid that we would, or already had, missed the “love boat”. We agreed to help one another when possible. A moment later we spotted an actual boat approaching down the river. From a distance we saw two attractive men on the boat. Tracey pointed out her favorite; luckily my eye favored the other guy more. We must have been starring, because they yelled out an invitation for us to join them for a ride. My mind jumped into turbo mode, imagining all the possible ways to board a boat without a dock, but my mouth only blurted, “What? A ride!?!” I was waiting for a blow to the arm and Tracey’s voice to respond with our acceptance, but she just stood there, silent. The boat kept on drifting by. It was unbelievable! We had just discussed our fear of missing the “love boat” and then it literally passed right by. Somehow fortunately, a few long-years later, we each jumped on board a boat with a man suited just right for a very fun and long adventure.
I was stuck in the airport on my way back from my college roommate’s wedding and I could not have been happier. I had danced my heart out with my friends like we used to at our secret dorm room dance parties. We were so foolish I was almost concerned about what my parents were thinking. My toast was a hit and I treasured the intimacy of the three-woman bridal party.
When it came time to return to Houston my light heart could not be burdened by the flight delays. I sat at the gate with my book and stuffed my face with a salad while enjoying some people watching. Before I knew it a handsome young man walked up to the counter. I could tell he was cool as soon as I saw his hiking backpack stuffed to the brim. I instantly hoped he would sit by me, but then immediately locked my eyes on the food in my lap. With my peripheral vision I sensed him walking down the isle toward me. He walked across where I was sitting and sat just a few seats away. After a while, I needed to use the restroom, so I decided to ask him to watch my bags. When I returned I thanked him, and went back to reading the Da Vinci Code. There was a long silence as we both continued reading our books. Then he asked the favor in return. Finally he started a conversation by asking me if I liked what I was reading. After talking about the book and introducing our selves he admitted he was reading Pride and Prejudice. He defended himself by explaining that he was trying to catch up on the classics. I liked him. He was from Michigan and currently living in Houston too. Unfortunately, we started boarding the plane soon after, but at least continued talking until we parted to our assigned seats.
My roommate and her boyfriend were picking me up from the airport. When her boyfriend came in to pick me up and found me talking to the strapping young man at baggage claim, he gave me space to do my thing. But of course I didn’t really know what I was doing. We chatted until we walked out the door with luggage in hand and found our rides. I wanted to give him my number but I didn’t want to be too forward, so I rattled off two websites, the Ad Deum website and my church website so he could get more information about future dance performances and details on the upcoming Da Vinci Code book discussion my church was having.
The book discussion was a month later. I doubted he would show up, but of course I dreamt that he would and told my girlfriends about the exciting possibility. I arrived late to the discussion with two friends from the dance company. I took a quick glance around and decided he wasn’t there so I joined the potluck line. Then my stomach fell as I glanced up and caught him looking at me directly across the banquet table.
He invited my friends and I to sit with him at the same table. When it was over we found a quiet corner in the gymnasium where he suggested we exchange numbers and pick a time to get together. To seal the conversation he said, “it’s a date” which sounded sweet to my doubtful ears.
About a week later, he drove his motorcycle to the church parking lot where we met and he jumped in my car. Within the first five minutes he invited me to join him and his buddies the next time they went skydiving, but I avoided giving a serious answer. I probably would have jumped at the offer had I known the date was going to be so incredible. We ordered large messy burgers at the Hobbit Café. We stared at the intimidating meal, then he said “I won’t judge you if you don’t judge me.” Hearing that line made me like him even more and excited to dig into the meal! We followed that up with ice cream and a stroll around the nearby village. The evening ended with an amazing conversation outside on the patio of my favorite coffee shop.
Fireworks shot off on the next date, for the Fourth of July. We threw a blanket down at the park and made bets on where the fireworks were going to be shot from while the live orchestra played in the background. I was so thrilled to have an attractive man’s presence lean in my direction that I went home and re-enacted my favorite moment with my roommates.
Later he invited me over for a barbecue. We prepared our own beef patties and I enjoyed some subtly flirtatious moments, but the relationship started going down hill from there. I was insecure about my “dancer” feet so I wore socks outside on his patio. When he asked me why, I tossed out an excuse that I’m sure he saw right through. We kept our distance emotionally and physically. We never kissed or even hugged; I always waited for him to initiate something but he never did. We had a few more dates after that, but it was difficult to keep any sort of momentum going when he lived 45 minutes away and I was working 12 hour days, six days a week. The final call came while I was in the office - there was no better time to talk so I answered. He explained that it was time to stop his pursuit- it just wasn’t working. I agreed but was frustrated that my lifestyle made any romantic relationship nearly impossible.
First Love -
Airport boy had everything I thought I wanted at the time - he was perfectly tall, cute, and from the Midwest. I had one serious relationship prior; he’s called California boy here. California boy was incredible, but he was shorter than me. I never expected his height to be a problem because I was never attracted to taller guys before, but when he started talking about marriage I began to wonder what it might be like to date a guy who was a few inches taller.
California boy and I met on a spring-break mission trip to Israel. I was a junior in college. He was going to seminary in Boston, but grew up in California. We decided to be one of those goofy “kissed dating goodbye” couples, so we wouldn’t kiss until we got engaged, which added yet another strange aspect to our long-distance, but very serious relationship.
We were “just friends” for a while after the trip, but by the time school ended he jumped at the opportunity to visit Ohio and meet my family. Together we handled a lot of unexpected things, like my car hitting a runaway boat in the highway. But I never thought that introducing him to farm life at my great-uncle’s dairy farm would be just as eventful. We stood close to the cows to watch them get milked. Then, without warning, manure splashed all over our faces and shirts! It was a great time of laughter with my great uncle that I will never forget, and that’s saying a lot because almost all of my memories of my great uncle include him laughing.
I made a trip out to California a month or two later. California boy picked me up from the airport in an old fashioned white Volts Wagon Bug, just like Herby! Herby was cool but quirky! We had to push him in neutral to get him started, which made me mildly concerned when driving on the extra wide highways.
The most magical night happened when we went to the beach and were spellbound by the bio-luminescent tide. Glowing light, the color of lightning bugs, pulsed from the breaking waves and sand moving around my footsteps. He said I was lucky; some native Californians miss the spectacular event because it is so unpredictable.
Though I had always imagined myself single for a few years after college, I convinced myself that I would like to marry him; it seemed like he was waiting for me to agree. When I finally caught up to his level of intensity he ended the relationship a few days after my birthday. It was like climbing to the top of a roller-coaster and instead of getting a joyride the structure chose to disappear from underneath you.
I waited 21 years to be romanced and hadn’t been kissed. I wondered when and if it would come around again. I sat on my fire escape to hash things out with God. I let my fears and resentment fly out. Then something strange bounced back and land in my gut. It felt like an answer: five years.
Set-up This -
The five years passed with a few bittersweet events. During my tour with Ad Deum to Los Angeles, one of the girls set me up on a date with her brother. He reminded me of an advertisement I posted on my bedroom wall when I was in high school. During his earlier visit to Houston I thought I had watched him hit it off with one of the more beautiful girls from the company. So I was really excited later when his sister said he was actually interested in me. The date went well and I found him completely fascinating, but I didn’t let him pursue me because the situation didn’t make enough sense for anything real to develop.
Set-up That -
I had another friendship that made perfect sense on paper. At first I wasn’t attracted to him but with time the attraction grew. I started to imagine how easy the romance could be but our personalities didn’t mesh enough for anything more than friendship. Besides, I wanted to be honestly pursued by a man, and he just wasn’t doing that. I found myself reminiscing about California boy and decided that if I found a love like that again, I would not let a silly height difference concern me. After all, my insecurity wasn’t based on my taste; it was from worrying about what others might think.
Stand-in Kissing -
Finally, it was about time for me to get a kiss on the lips. I figured I deserved one simply because I was 26 years old. The only prior kiss I thought I had was a kindergarten smooch with the boy I imagined I'd grow-up to marry. It was in exchange for a coloring tip. I got the tip, but I’m not sure he took the kiss. Needless to say, when I met a tall man who looked like California boy I decided to take advantage of the opportunity. In the end, Look-alike guy was not a straight shooter and I felt silly for kissing a guy who never even became my boyfriend. The quasi relationship ended around my birthday too, therefore starting and ending exactly five years after the relationship with California boy.
When I finally moved away from Houston (where everyone was getting married except for me), I discovered that riggers fascinate me, and got my second kiss, but he didn’t become my boyfriend either! This time at least it wasn’t part of my expectation; I was just looking for a week of fun. Even with these low expectations, I was still disappointed when I realized he was looking for something I wouldn’t give him. Then one day, during a moment of channel surfing, I saw his face! I know it's silly, but I must admit, part of me is amused by the fact that I’ve kissed a T.V. star.
Runaway Boat -
My memories have certainly entertained me, but most single women out there know how the loneliness and frustration can sometimes become overwhelming. Friendship and laughter has been my favorite remedy. Many of these moments have been shared with my long-lost sister, Tracey. One summer, several years after college, we were visiting one another in Indiana. We sat by a stream discussing our theories on romance. We were both concerned about our incapability to identify and react appropriately to a potential romantic opportunity. We were afraid that we would, or already had, missed the “love boat”. We agreed to help one another when possible. A moment later we spotted an actual boat approaching down the river. From a distance we saw two attractive men on the boat. Tracey pointed out her favorite; luckily my eye favored the other guy more. We must have been starring, because they yelled out an invitation for us to join them for a ride. My mind jumped into turbo mode, imagining all the possible ways to board a boat without a dock, but my mouth only blurted, “What? A ride!?!” I was waiting for a blow to the arm and Tracey’s voice to respond with our acceptance, but she just stood there, silent. The boat kept on drifting by. It was unbelievable! We had just discussed our fear of missing the “love boat” and then it literally passed right by. Somehow fortunately, a few long-years later, we each jumped on board a boat with a man suited just right for a very fun and long adventure.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Fish & Sticks -NOT- Fish & Chips!
Candle light, with my guy by my side. I was hungry and ready to try the best thing on the menu. I did not grow up eating fish, so I couldn't have known any better as I dug into my delicious fillet. Bones! Fishes have them and they don't always get taken out! In my excitement for the flavor on my pallet I swallowed too much, too fast. I asked Arturo if it was bad to swallow bones, and he said yes. I could feel it, but it didn't hurt so I considered eating more to help it go down smoothly. Luckily Arturo knew that those little buggers can be sharp and suggested I go to the ladies room to get it up.
I excused myself and began my novice work on throat manipulation. Then, a little girl knocked on the door. Luckily I could hear her over all my hacking. Her and her daddy had no idea what was going on inside that one-stall bathroom, but as I listened to the candid child I quickly learned that she had pressing needs too. I decided to gather my composure and go back to the table; hoping that if I ignored it, I would be okay. Then I tried to talk and felt the bone pricking me in the throat again. The anticipation grew as I watched for the kid and her dad to finish so I could claim my lot once again. The two young men sitting outside the bathroom must have noticed the drama unfolding before their eyes, but at this point I was on a mission to not let the bone get the best of me. On my return to the wash room I claimed my family's reputation for excellence at innovation, and grabbed the desk lamp (used for atmospheric hue) and pointed it down my throat. I decided if I couldn't see the little jabber I would seek professional help.
Praise God I caught a glips of the tiny bone sticking into my throat wall, but I still I had no luck in getting it out. I walked out to Arturo with one eye on the bathroom door and one eye in deep thought. Then, the chopsticks appeared in all their glory upon the napkin. I grabbed the chop sticks and asked Arturo to accompany me to the ladies room. At this point I believed every eye in the restaurant was watching our inconspicuous steps away from our plates, one meal mostly eaten, the other with only one savored bite gone.
What a relief! Arturo's talent at chopsticks paid off! I have rarely felt so fortunate to swallow, talk, and breath! Please take heed; next time you order fish make sure you get it with sticks! As for the chips? Well, you can taken 'em or leave 'em. -from FALL 2009
I excused myself and began my novice work on throat manipulation. Then, a little girl knocked on the door. Luckily I could hear her over all my hacking. Her and her daddy had no idea what was going on inside that one-stall bathroom, but as I listened to the candid child I quickly learned that she had pressing needs too. I decided to gather my composure and go back to the table; hoping that if I ignored it, I would be okay. Then I tried to talk and felt the bone pricking me in the throat again. The anticipation grew as I watched for the kid and her dad to finish so I could claim my lot once again. The two young men sitting outside the bathroom must have noticed the drama unfolding before their eyes, but at this point I was on a mission to not let the bone get the best of me. On my return to the wash room I claimed my family's reputation for excellence at innovation, and grabbed the desk lamp (used for atmospheric hue) and pointed it down my throat. I decided if I couldn't see the little jabber I would seek professional help.
Praise God I caught a glips of the tiny bone sticking into my throat wall, but I still I had no luck in getting it out. I walked out to Arturo with one eye on the bathroom door and one eye in deep thought. Then, the chopsticks appeared in all their glory upon the napkin. I grabbed the chop sticks and asked Arturo to accompany me to the ladies room. At this point I believed every eye in the restaurant was watching our inconspicuous steps away from our plates, one meal mostly eaten, the other with only one savored bite gone.
What a relief! Arturo's talent at chopsticks paid off! I have rarely felt so fortunate to swallow, talk, and breath! Please take heed; next time you order fish make sure you get it with sticks! As for the chips? Well, you can taken 'em or leave 'em. -from FALL 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Supernatural Changes: (Check in regularly for updates)
Prayer is beautiful. Here are a few examples of wonders I can't take credit for: (recent items listed first)
- I was having one of those lonely moments around the holidays and decided to pass time by watching a U2 DVD about the making of the Joshua Tree Album. When I saw The Edge, hansom in his cowboy hat, I couldn’t help myself anymore and blurted out to my mom and aunt Lisa: “If you ever meet a young Christian guy who looks like that, send him my way!” God must have been listening then too because several weeks after I started dating Arturo he showed up wearing a beanie on his head. I thought he was just trying to flatter me by doing an impersonation, but he hadn’t heard about my love for U2 yet. Of course, Arturo's "look" is just a side-note to all the real reasons why I love him. In case you haven't met him: He is a ton of fun, is artistic to his core, brilliantly wise, and his deep, honest roots make him consistent, calm and adventurous at all the right times. Our differences are complimentary while our similarities make it easy to spend an obscene amount of time together. Needless to say, I’m excited to be spending my life with Arturo, no matter what hat he's got on his head.
- Unknowingly, I prayed for what most New Yorkers think is impossible. An apartment with a big kitchen, an extra room for guests, a convenient location, safe neighborhood, and something affordable. What did I get? All of that plus furniture and wallpaper that reminds me growing up in Ohio. Not to mention, a location that is only 20minutes from Arturo, who I would eventually meet and ended up dating only five months later. How cool is that! The short version makes it sound so nice and easy, but in reality I needed to deal with my pride and expectations before I could recognize what was being offered.
- New York, NY.... the story is too long for this, so instead I have a blog fully dedicated to the story. Please read "How I landed this real-life gig in NYC" for all the details.
- I saw a video of Dance Ad Deum and knew that was the dance company I wanted to dance with if there was any possible way for me to dance professionally. Praise God I didn't follow a boy to Boston! And I'm so grateful that somehow I was good enough to get in. Those were a precious five years in Houston!
- Becoming a college student made me really excited... I was especially excited to live with some girls (growing up with brothers was great... but I thought it would be nice to have a sister too.) So, when my first roommate was well.... just a roommate. I decided to opt for the random lottery and see who I got for my sophomore year. Who did I get, but Tracey Jo Forbes (now Hoesch). She not only grew up with all brothers too, she even looked and talked like me. Another answer to my prayers that I am still, and always will be, thankful for.
- I'm not good with decisions. So, I needed God's help in deciding what college to go to... what I heard back was a scripture. "Seek first the Kingdom of God." So I picked Hope College. It probably wasn't the college my ballet teacher would have recommended, but I could study dance and business and I knew that a dynamic spiritual life was available on campus. I grew so much by being challenged in so many divers ways, I can not imagine a better college experience.
- I was baptized at age 10. The Holy Spirit must have arrived on the scene then, because it helped me live through some dark Junior High secrets. Read the blog "My choice to Live" for more details on this story.
- I was born into an awesome family. Maybe I prayed for that before I was even born? Maybe someone else was praying for me? Or maybe sometimes God just blesses us without us asking for it.
Friday, July 3, 2009
My choice to Live:
I'm so glad I made it through junior high... there was a time when I didn't think I would.
During the day I tried to be like any regular junior high school student, but at night I couldn’t avoid what was going on inside my head; I found myself dealing with a very sincere fear of death. I'm not certain why, but for some reason i was aware of the fact that I had no control over when or how I died, and that [almost literally] scared me to death. Funny enough, I thought life (and death) would be better if I was in control. I guess I still had to learn some humility. Luckily, this was going to be the first of many opportunities for me to see that my life is better in someone else’s hands than my own.
So instead of falling asleep, I cried. A lot, and loudly…. On purpose too… hoping that someone would come to me, saying exactly what I wanted to hear; 100% assurance that everything was going to be okay. My parents were amazing. They did come, and they said what they could, but for some reason it was never enough. Only God knows how many nights this ritual went on, finally one night I realized all this emotional drama was not taking me to where I wanted to be and there was no use in it going on forever. I'm pretty sure there was a moment where I imagined "just getting it over with." Though I don't remember the rest of the details, I do know how it ended.
I saw something, without actually seeing it. A dark cloud hanging, just under my ceiling, that opened to show two faces looking down at me telling me it was time to choose between the two of them. I remembered the things I had been taught in Sunday school... that God brought me into existence, and that He is good. I figured if He gave me my life then why should I expect Him to take it away in some harsh, terrible, premature way. I could either trust His good intentions and accept that if something senseless happens, it won't be senseless to Him... OR take things into my own hands and finish it off with the method of my choice.
In order to get on with my life I had to trust that God is good, that His intentions are good, and that He has power to affect our lives on earth. (Even if He's not the only powerful force on earth, at least He's got the victory when it counts.) I'm so glad I figured that out, I've been able to do more and love more than I ever dreamed of with Him as the leader in my life.
During the day I tried to be like any regular junior high school student, but at night I couldn’t avoid what was going on inside my head; I found myself dealing with a very sincere fear of death. I'm not certain why, but for some reason i was aware of the fact that I had no control over when or how I died, and that [almost literally] scared me to death. Funny enough, I thought life (and death) would be better if I was in control. I guess I still had to learn some humility. Luckily, this was going to be the first of many opportunities for me to see that my life is better in someone else’s hands than my own.
So instead of falling asleep, I cried. A lot, and loudly…. On purpose too… hoping that someone would come to me, saying exactly what I wanted to hear; 100% assurance that everything was going to be okay. My parents were amazing. They did come, and they said what they could, but for some reason it was never enough. Only God knows how many nights this ritual went on, finally one night I realized all this emotional drama was not taking me to where I wanted to be and there was no use in it going on forever. I'm pretty sure there was a moment where I imagined "just getting it over with." Though I don't remember the rest of the details, I do know how it ended.
I saw something, without actually seeing it. A dark cloud hanging, just under my ceiling, that opened to show two faces looking down at me telling me it was time to choose between the two of them. I remembered the things I had been taught in Sunday school... that God brought me into existence, and that He is good. I figured if He gave me my life then why should I expect Him to take it away in some harsh, terrible, premature way. I could either trust His good intentions and accept that if something senseless happens, it won't be senseless to Him... OR take things into my own hands and finish it off with the method of my choice.
In order to get on with my life I had to trust that God is good, that His intentions are good, and that He has power to affect our lives on earth. (Even if He's not the only powerful force on earth, at least He's got the victory when it counts.) I'm so glad I figured that out, I've been able to do more and love more than I ever dreamed of with Him as the leader in my life.
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