Love and loss

Cancer happens way too often.  Thinking about it’s power always made my stomach sink ever since I was young.  When it arrived in my family, it was unwelcome as it always is.

My Dad was diagnosed with the version I feared most, pancreatic.  It’s still unacceptable news, and with the thought of acceptance, comes anger. But he fought it well with my Mom's support, and I know despite his death, there is much to be thankful for.  Death and sickness have a terrible power, but we weren't abandoned. It was easy to feel like Dad couldn't hear us through his heavy medication, but he proved his awareness when he mustered the strength to say "I love you" as my nieces kissed him good bye one day when they left the hospice center.

Of course part of me wanted to hear those words directed toward me one more time too, but I had the pleasure of hearing them for 36 years!  His love for his granddaughters, highlighted his love for me, it didn't diminish it.  It’s humbling how absurd selfishness can be.

Still all those years of memories seem over-shadowed by the single year he was sick.  Now when I wish I had done more for my dad, I remember that soon after his diagnosis he said “don’t guilt yourself” (in anticipation of this exact problem).

He was a wise man. And also funny.  There were times as a young family we sat around the dinner table and laughed so hard my stomach hurt. But he wasn’t prefect either. I also remember him apologizing to us kids and admitting his short comings.  I don’t remember what we laughed about or what he apologized for, but the essential parts are still clear.  I love and admire my dad.

This Easter seemed like a good time to sit near a tomb with my grief. After all, the resurrection was first witnessed by grieving women.  I grieved the fact that I prayed for a big miracle, and only got little ones instead. But the little miracles were plentiful. Bitterness toward God, for not answering my one prayer, could have made me miss out on all the other ways He was saying “I’m still here”.  And I could have forgotten that the greatest miracle, Easter, already took care of my greatest fear, death.

Perhaps my father’s example made it easy for me to believe in a God that is good.  But God is not limited by earthly fathers. The limitless Creator can show you too, in your own way, how He is good.

Christ on the cross yelled out “Father, why have you forsaken me!?!”, but not too long after, resolution came when He said “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” (Luke 23:46)